It knows its leg may fall off, like my dog probably knows I'm going to chase it down the garden and throw it up stream for the Tail Feather monsters of the night to savagely eat as they cackle into their microphones, but neither care. For instance, the dog; Dog A we'll call it here to protect its identity, isn't even really barking at something in particular, in fact it's looking the boot into the river, straight in the eye. Its almost like he either wants the boot in the river, or he's trying to warn me about something. Either way I'm spooked.
The Tail Feather monsters, are an unruly rabble of quarter humanoids, half bear, eighth monkey, eighth meerkat creatures who live past the bottom of my garden, up the Enchanted stream, on the edge of Devil's meadow just before the Wild, Wild wood. Surviving on a diet of Katesgrove Primary School children, lost Macro shoppers, fret grease, glass and taramasalata they terrorise the area in search of more hair and plectrums. Recent neighbourly gossip has induced my worst fear, and provided a good reason for Dog A's relentless barking. A wolf is coming to town. And not a wolf, like just any old wolf, but Wolf Alice, notorious North London groupe du moment. You only need to take a walk from Wembley to Seven Sisters to see the carnage left in their wake. Lock up your microphones and hide away the sound engineer, for Wolf Alice will nut you with coolness. I know what you're thinking. Sure, a wolf pulling a head butt is akin to a marshmallow using its nose to find the escape skewer. But hey, it's true.
Still don't understand? It's ok, neither do I, you don't need to, it's art. I can either tell you the same old thing about how good they are, or write you a nice story. You just need to understand that a bunch of animals, monkeys, bears, meerkats and wolves will congregate at the Oakford Social Club on Saturday, March 9. It's the one night of the year where they put their monstrous livings aside, pick up some guitars and join the rest of us for some of the best new music coming out of North London and Reading at the moment. MonkeySuit presents Wolf Alice and Tail Feather, at Oakford Social Club, free entry from 8pm.